One-Dimensional Movie Villains: Second Class

We watched Avatar last weekend—it was my second viewing and Kristen's first. And you know what? I think we're both good never seeing it again. However, it helped me remember I was overdue to induct the next class into my One-Dimensional Movie Villain Hall of Fame.

Colonel Quaritch (Stephen Lang)
Avatar

Profile: Head of security for the human mining operation on Pandora, Colonel Quaritch is charged with bringing the hurt to the planet's indigenous Na'vi people while sipping back on steaming cups of coffee and spouting contemptuous lines like "that's how you scatter the roaches." As any student of cinematic redneck miltary clichés would know, heavy-handed treehuggery must be unflinchingly fought with tried and true "shoot first, shoot some more later, all while holding your breath" tactics.

Comeuppance: While his incredible lung capacity and survival skills draw the movie out a good 20 minutes longer than it needed to be, Quaritch finally meets the wrong end of some Na'vi arrows. Unfortunately no one "eats his eyes for jujubes." Maybe that's being saved for the extended cut.

"It seems diplomacy has failed."

The Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman)
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Profile: The corrupt Sheriff of Nottingham once enjoyed a fulfilling life of oppressing peasants and plotting to overtake the throne of England's rightful ruler, King Richard. But his world is turned upside down when his nemesis Robin Hood returns from imprisonment to not only rob from the rich to give to the poor, but also to flaunt his nonexistent British accent and affinity for sappy soft rock love songs.

Comeuppance: After Robin Hood plunges a jewel-encrusted dagger into his heart, the Sheriff staggers around incoherently until finally collapsing under the weight of his own drool.

"I'm gonna cut your heart out with a spoon!"

Khan (Ricardo Montalban)
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Profile: After being exiled by Captain Kirk, the genetically enhanced Khan is marooned on an inhospitable world for 15 years. When he later escapes imprisonment, he isn't above dropping a mind-controlling eel or two into the ears of his enemies in the name of revenge. But perhaps his crowning achievement is becoming a formidable adversary while showcasing some of the greatest man cleavage the United Federation of Planets has ever seen.

Comeuppance: After Kirk bests him in sluggish space combat, Khan refuses to accept defeat and attempts to kill his foe along with himself, but only succeeds in the latter.

"Khaaaaan!"