Ten Things...

...You Should Never Have to Hear in Church (Part 2)

Part 1 was a favorite from the early days of our blog, so hopefully the sequel can live up to the original. Once again, these have all been inspired by actual church experiences. And let's hear your additions if you've got 'em.

10. Overzealous singers that feel the need to not only sing louder than the entire congregation, but about a half beat slower as well.

9. Testimonies that prominently involve professing a love for cookies.

8. Youth Speaker: "For my talk, I will now read the following story verbatim from The New Era."

7. Flamboyant, Celion Dion-esque musical numbers from the ward choir director who takes herself a little too seriously (and hasn't updated her hair style since the late '80s).

6. The word "poopy," even if used as part of a faith-promoting story about changing diapers.

5. Lengthy Sunday School debates about the geography of downtown Salt Lake in 1943.

4. Introductions explaining the "hilarious" circumstances of the bishopric calling to extend a speaking assignment. ("When Brother So-and-So asked if I would give a talk, I wanted to say no, yet here I am. Maybe I won't answer the phone next time. Hiyo!")

3. The phrase "my life has been a living hell" in all its uses.

2. The poem "Footprints in the Sand." We've heard it. "It was then that I carried you." We get it. Can we please retire this one?

1. Any statement that has to be prefaced with "Now this isn't doctrine, but..."


Anonymous said...

hilarious! though I admit that I love when little 3 year olds get up and say they love cookies in between loving the prophet and their family.

Hali said...

love the post and although I don't have any to add at the moment I just wanted you to know that I read it and thought it was funny!!!

Dave said...

Thanks Hali. So I guess my rant about blog comments the other night left a lasting impression?

Krissy said...

I already told Dave this, but I'll share with others. My grandparents have the poem "Footprints" hanging in their bathroom right across from the toilet. So, that poem always reminds me of using the bathroom.

Weird, I know.

ScottBoomer said...

Yeah Kristin that is weird but not as weird as what Hali has hanging above her toilet.
Dave that's the nicest thing you've ever said about Celine Dion.

Erika said...

How about the testimony that every child gives as if they're all reading it verbatim off a piece of paper. "I want to bear my testimony, I know this church is true..."

Also, a choir director who writes his own music at the level of MoTab, when he has a choir with the ability to sing about as well as a sixth grade music class.