Ten Things...

...You Should Never Have to Hear in Church

All of these are inspired in some way by our actual church experiences. This list is by no means comprehensive. Please add any that you feel we might have missed in the comments.

10. Non-PC terms for a person or group, whether it be regarding their race, religion, etc.

9. Stories that you have already told in great detail on many occasions (to the point where people who have only been in the ward for one year can repeat the story, including names of all involved).

8. Things that General Authorities, or the scriptures have never really said, but quoted as if they did (i.e. "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it").

7. Any account that involves the word “naked” unless referring directly to a scripture story--Adam & Eve for instance.

6. Strained comparisons of television, film, or literary characters to figures or aspects of the gospel (i.e. how Gandalf=Jesus, or how the main character on the show Prison Break is like a prophet)

5. Impromptu, unaccompanied vocal solos of "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief" by those who have limited singing abilities.

4. Humorous anecdotes involving the Pioneer Trek latrine.

3. Sentences that include both the words “fetus” and “freezer” (please note: mentions of fetuses should be avoided in general, though it does depend on context).

2. Where your child (or anyone, for that matter) was conceived (i.e. Moose Pass, Alaska).

1. Real life parables involving lazy people and their unfortunate encounters with exploding coal furnaces.