Ten Things...

...You Should Never Have to Hear in Church

All of these are inspired in some way by our actual church experiences. This list is by no means comprehensive. Please add any that you feel we might have missed in the comments.

10. Non-PC terms for a person or group, whether it be regarding their race, religion, etc.

9. Stories that you have already told in great detail on many occasions (to the point where people who have only been in the ward for one year can repeat the story, including names of all involved).

8. Things that General Authorities, or the scriptures have never really said, but quoted as if they did (i.e. "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it").

7. Any account that involves the word “naked” unless referring directly to a scripture story--Adam & Eve for instance.

6. Strained comparisons of television, film, or literary characters to figures or aspects of the gospel (i.e. how Gandalf=Jesus, or how the main character on the show Prison Break is like a prophet)

5. Impromptu, unaccompanied vocal solos of "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief" by those who have limited singing abilities.

4. Humorous anecdotes involving the Pioneer Trek latrine.

3. Sentences that include both the words “fetus” and “freezer” (please note: mentions of fetuses should be avoided in general, though it does depend on context).

2. Where your child (or anyone, for that matter) was conceived (i.e. Moose Pass, Alaska).

1. Real life parables involving lazy people and their unfortunate encounters with exploding coal furnaces.


Christie said...

HAHA.. this post had me laughing out loud.

Similar to #5,
Impromptu, unaccompanied vocal solos of Alabama's "Angels Among Us" by those who have limited singing abilities..

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

Caitlinp said...

Wow. I wish our ward was that cool. Here's one related to the "fetus" and "freezer."

Describing the size of an unborn baby's gender specific organs and other identifiers in technical, yet still shocking, terms.

Ben said...

There have been so many good bits of knowledge shared over the pulpit, and I have been taking notes of the best ones. This seems like the perfect venue to share them. Here's some of my favorite over-the-pulpit quotes (and I am not making these up):

"I choose to be on the Lord's side who."

"In the proper manner, I love these brethren."

"I stayed up one night, counting all my grandkids...I have 101 of 'em...they're all over the place...I got one in Texas, one in Tennessee...I don't know how many I got in Utah...But anyways, the Gospel is true. I got one in Nevada, yeah. I think there's still one in Florida..."

"It blows my mind that when you get on the internets and ask for a picture, they send you a picture of the private spot! I don't even bother with those chats anymore!"

"That just proves that you can't tell how high a frog is gonna jump just by lookin' at him."

"Even religions like Mohammedism believe in a Creator."

"That's how the Lord knows us, when we come out of the Temple, we smell like his sheep."