Ten Things…

…I Have Had Absurd Dreams About

We are pleased to announce that "Ten Things..." is going to be a recurring post on our blog. Mostly because lists are just so easy to make (just ask Ann Cannon). This installment is inspired by the ridiculous dreams I have. I am one of those people who remember their dreams quite often and they are always really bizarre. A few disclaimers: (1) I have complete faith in Dave’s abilities as a father, (2) my brother Jason is a lovely person, and (3) I am not completely crazy.

10. Honorary Zoo-Keeper: When I was a kid, I had a dream that I was at the zoo and a baby seal somehow got out of its tank. Luckily, I was there to throw it back in, earning me the title “Honorary Zoo-Keeper of the Day.” One of the perks of this title was that I got to view the animals up close, outside their cages.

9. Cheerleader Extraordinaire: Not too long ago, I dreamt that I tried out for the high school cheer squad and completely dazzled the judges with my amazing cheerleading skills. Of course, I had to keep it a secret that I wasn’t actually in high school or they would’ve kicked me off the squad, which would’ve been devastating.

8. McDonald’s Menu Change: I haven’t the slightest clue what might’ve prompted this one as I am not a fan of McDonald’s by any stretch (and I’m sure Jason would say the same thing about himself). Jason, being such a nice brother, took me to McDonald’s to buy me some food. Once there, we were terribly disappointed to learn that McDonald’s no longer served alcohol, so we had to settle for soda.

7. Airport Fiasco: Before I was even pregnant, I dreamt that I had twin boys, one of which was named Jason. My aunt Debra, the twins, and I were all at the airport and Debra was holding Jason. Suddenly, to my embarrassment, Jason started peeing all over the airport and I couldn’t find the bathroom. So there I am, running all over with this baby at arms length, spraying everything. I’m not sure why his diaper wasn’t functioning properly.

6. A Girl Smidgen: Although the tech who performed our ultrasound seemed rather confident in her assertion that Smidgen is a boy, I remain slightly skeptical, especially when I have dreams like this. I dreamt that Smidgen, a girl, was born and we took her home from the hospital to my Grandma’s house. During my attempt to change her into her pajamas, of course there was a diaper malfunction, only it was not pee this time. And like baby Jason from the airport dream, once this baby started, there was no stopping her…and I, as the inexperienced mother, wasn’t quite sure what to do until we were both completely coated.

5. Vegetarian Vampires: More recently, I dreamt that vampires were on the loose in Price and they happened to find my friends and I particularly appetizing. There we were, relaxing on the lawn (in the middle of the night, of course), when a vampire came and attacked one of my friends. The rest of us abandoned her since she was a distraction for the vampire, allowing us time to get away. After a lot of running and hiding, eventually the vampires realized the error of their ways and decided to try a vegetarian diet.

4. The Muffin Man: We were in Cedar City for Christmas with my family, and I really wanted muffins for breakfast. I accidentally slept in and when I got up, I was relieved to find that there was one muffin left in the basket. So I say, “oh good, there’s one muffin left for me!” Of course, Jason instantly snatches it up and shoves the entire thing in his mouth. I was so mad that I jumped on him and started pummeling his head with my fists. Perhaps I have a bit of pent-up aggression – or an unnatural affinity for muffins.

3. Dave’s Parenting Skills, Part I: I recently dreamt that we brought Smidgen (a boy, this time) home from the hospital. Unfortunately, we happened to be moving into a new house the same day. So I was in the other room unpacking and Dave was taking care of the baby. After a minute, he came in to help me. Eventually, I went to check on the baby, only to find that Dave had neglected to clothe the baby (no diaper, either) and had just propped him up in the Bumbo (which is a seat they can sit in once they can hold their head up – not on the day they are born). Of course, being diaperless, you can imagine what happened. In real life, I woke up and told Dave, “the baby doesn’t go in the Bumbo until I say so.”

2. Dave’s Parenting Skills, Part II: This dream was prompted by Dave choosing not to attend the breastfeeding class that I signed up for. Apparently that caused some undue stress. I dreamt that Smidgen was born and we brought him home. For some reason, Dave was the one who was supposed to do the breastfeeding – only he didn’t go to the class and didn’t know how to do it. I was all sorts of upset with him because who else was going to feed the baby?!

1. Neglected Smidgen: Just the other night, I dreamt that we had brought Smidgen home from the hospital and several days had passed. I was busy tidying the house, when I suddenly realized that I had not fed the baby or changed his diaper since bringing him home. I rushed over to his bassinet, where he lay all swaddled up and he just looked at me with big sad eyes.

Clearly, I have some subconscious concerns about my parenting abilities.


Cheryl said...

Those are funny, I think you'll do a great job as a mother. I forgot about those crazy dreams you have a the end.

Ben said...

Number 9 sounds like the makings of a great movie. Take that thing to Hollywood!

Dave said...

Any number of these could be great movies. Number 2 for instance could be the sequel to Arnold Schwarzenegger's Junior. I always wondered what happened next in that story.

Team Ritz said...

Kristen, you crack me up! I think #5 was prompted by reading too many Stephanie Meyer books!

Caitlinp said...

Okay, about this vampire dream, I'm just wondering which friend it was who was sacrificed to the vampire. I know you wouldn't ever sacrifice me to a vampire, right? Maybe a werewolf instead?

Krissy said...

Sorry to admit it, Caitlin, but it really was you. In my defense, both Mindy and I ditched you... not just me. :)