Movies We Grew Up On: Excessive Carnage Edition

Because everyone has a handful of films they associate with their childhood, and all our blog needs is another running series about movies, we are pleased to present the newest addition to the Dave & Kristen Show, "Movies We Grew Up On." Since for every beloved childhood treasure that still holds up today, there is a cinematic turd lurking in its shadow, we will always attempt to answer the question "is it still watchable?" Our inaugural installment deals with movies we really had no business watching when we were little. At least my selections were edited for TV, which is more than Kristen can say.

Dave's Pick: Jaws Series

I was fascinated by sharks as a kid. My memory isn't entirely clear on when this interest originated—somewhere between watching a documentary on them in 5th grade, taking a field trip to the New York Aquarium that same school year, and periodically catching the Jaws movies on TV. I remember seeing the original Jaws, as well as Jaws 3-D and Jaws: The Revenge, but not Jaws 2 for some reason. Thinking back, I find it funny that even though I was scared of pretty much everything else, the adventures of a relentless killer shark didn't seem to bother me.

Is It Still Watchable? The original Jaws is one of the greatest suspense thrillers of all time. As for the others? Well, they are sequels to one of the greatest suspense thrillers of all time. Jaws 3-D is pretty bad ("the third dimension is terror"), featuring some hilariously inept 3-D effects that didn't exactly translate to the small screen. But Jaws: The Revenge manages to be even worse. By this time, the thrice resurrected shark is attempting to carry out a personal vendetta against the entire Brody family for killing it three times already ("this time it's personal"). To paraphrase Roger Ebert, I know full well I'm expected to suspend my disbelief. Unfortunately, my disbelief is very heavy, and the suspension cable just snapped.
Movie Trailer Voice Guy: There is a creature alive today who has survived millions of years of evolution... without change... without passion... and without logic. It lives to kill... a mindless eating machine. It will attack and devour... anything. It is as if God created the devil and gave him... JAWS.
Honorable Mention: RoboCop

Kristen's Pick: Commando

I can't imagine what was going through my parents' heads when they let me watch this movie as a kid. I had forgotten all about it until a few years ago when Dave came upon some excessive carnage while channel scanning and I said, "Wait! I've seen this!" The film, which can only be properly summarized with one long run-on sentence, tells the story of retired Special Forces soldier John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his daughter that looks nothing like him (Alyssa Milano) who is kidnapped by Bennett, an evil guy with a bad mustache wearing a chainmail muscle shirt, so Matrix befriends an annoying airline stewardess who helps him raid an army surplus store for gear and weapons before storming the villains' island compound to kill the same three extras hundreds of times and impale Bennett with a large pipe. Phew.

Is It Still Watchable? Sure, if your idea of humor involves a well-placed axe to the groin, or getting scalped with a circular saw. I'm laughing right now just thinking about it.
General Kirby: Leave anything for us?
Matrix: Just bodies.
Honorable Mention: First Blood

1 comment:

Dave said...

By my count, this is our 4th post with some reference to Commando. Truly this is the movie that keeps on giving.