The Compound

Everything you have heard is true. The wait is finally over. A once in a lifetime event will be taking place tomorrow night at the McKay Events Center in Orem. Yes, I'm talking about MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice together at last, live in concert.

MC Hammer (aka Stanley Burrell), who was last seen attempting to capitalize on his has-been status by appearing in such commercials as the recent Cash 4 Gold Super Bowl spot and Nationwide's "Life Comes At You Fast" campaign, will be performing with a 24 person choir and dancers. Prior to his "commercial" break, Hammer's far-reaching influence was last felt in 13 glorious episodes of his Saturday morning cartoon, Hammerman (<--you really owe it to yourself to click on this video link). This groundbreaking show centered around a youth center worker named, ahem, Stanley Burrell, who owned a pair of magical dancing shoes which when worn caused him to transform into the superhero Hammerman. Unfortunately, this television tour-de-force has yet to see a proper DVD release.

Meanwhile, Vanilla Ice (aka Rob Van Winkle) has spent his washed up years appearing on pretty much every reality show ever, including VH1's The Surreal Life and CMT's Celebrity Bull Riding. Before he embraced "reality," he was last seen making a critically acclaimed appearance in the worldwide phenomenon Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, unleashing the radically bodacious "Ninja Rap" to an unsuspecting world. Ice will be performing with his "Crew," which may or may not include Stephen Baldwin and Dan Clark (aka Nitro from American Gladiators), whom he befriended during his treasured days as a celebrity bull rider.

Exclusive insider info tells us that MC Hammer will be opening his set with "U Can't Touch This," closing with "Too Legit To Quit," and filling in any gaps with episodes of Hammerman. Not to be outdone, Vanilla Ice will be performing his international superhit "Ice Ice Baby" over and over while the surviving members of Queen collect royalties. Concert promotions are instructing attendees to "Dress 80's and bring your Hammer Pants because this event will re-make history!"

Okay, I have to ask, If we have the ability to re-make history, wouldn't Hammer Pants be something we would want to write out rather than relive? But the real question that nobody is asking is, were these two let out of the Compound, or did they escape?

What's that you say? Never heard of the Compound? I feared this might be the case, so I have taken the initiative to prepare the following list of frequently asked questions:

What is the Compound?
A large, isolated island fortress where celebrities are taken after their 15 minutes of fame are up. My friend Scott and I postulated this theory several years ago after seeing a washed up musical act perform on the Late Show with David Letterman. Our wheels began to turn when we wondered where these guys had been for so long, and if we would ever see them again.

Where is it located?
This is currently unknown. Ordinary, non-famous folks like us would never be able to find the the Compound on our own because it is thought to have mystical properties. The island from Lost is loosely based on it, but for some reason, the show's producers don't think that Scott and I deserve any credit.

How do you end up there?
Some fallen celebrities are victims of the fickle nature of pop culture—in one moment, out the next. Others are blinded by their ego and choose to develop projects that are reprehensibly bad. Or, if all else fails, there is always getting crazy drunk and going on an anti-semitic rant.

Who are some prominent detainees?
• Los Del Rio, or the old Spanish dudes responsible for the "Macarena"
• Joel Schumacher, or the rubber nipple-loving director of Batman & Robin
• William Hung, or the Chinese kid that sang "She Bangs" on American Idol
• All members of the Backstreet Boys and NSYNC, sans Justin Timberlake
• The stars of most reality shows and infomercials

Can they ever leave?
Depending on the level of their former fame and the speed of their fall, detainees are periodically released on probation and given a chance to "make it" again. There are a few select individuals who have successfully emerged from the Compound to reach or exceed previous heights when the right opportunity comes along—Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man last year comes to mind. But usually it turns out about as well as it did for that group we saw on Letterman way back when, whose name I can't even remember.

What sorts of activities are available there?
The Compound does feature a small set and crew for the aforementioned reality shows and infomercials. Some like to frequent the on site fitness center in an effort to be better prepared when VH1 comes looking for talking heads to appear in their next "I Love the (Insert Decade Here)" special. Others are more resigned to their fate and really get into the weekly Trivial Pursuit and Guitar Hero tournaments.

Who has a stay at the Compound in their future?
• Nadya Suleman, or the octuplet mom
• Miley Cyrus, or Hannah Montana
• Her dad Billy Ray, who only got out the first time because of her
• Joaquin Phoenix, assuming this crazy beard phase doesn't pan out
• The entire cast of the High School Musical series

Who is the warden of the Compound?
Isn't it obvious?

What can we do to help?
This privileged information makes tomorrow night all the more significant for MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. With their return trip to the Compound tentatively booked as soon as the concert ends, who knows when we will get a chance to see these heavyweights of hip hop again? We have to do our part to help them stay popular. Tickets are $32.50 for the Floor and $38.00 for the upper bowl. Wait, aren't concert tickets usually more expensive the closer you get to the stage? Sorry guys, it's not looking good.


Ben said...

I always wondered where Lauryn Hill was spending her days...

Krissy said...

Vanilla Ice must be an MC Hammer fan... I mean, look at those pants!

ScottBoomer said...

Oh man, this is the best post you have ever written.
I laughed out loud while reading this.
The compound has given us so many hours of endless humor over the years.
It's always good to know that celebriteis are being taken care of.
For the record I have always thought that the compound was located at area 51 in Nevada. The alien thing was just a cover up.