Christmas in the Stars

Holiday seasons come and go, and each year you ask in vain, "Where can I find C-3P0 and R2-D2 crooning Christmas carols along side a young Jon Bon Jovi?" Well, I'm happy to report your search ends here. You needn't look any further than Christmas in the Stars: The Star Wars Christmas Album.

It seems like my family are the only ones in on this little secret. I owned the cassette as a child and played it year round, save when it would "mysteriously" go missing for long stretches. Years later, when all manner of old Star Wars merchandise was being re-released in the late nineties, my sister happened upon the CD and bought it for me that Christmas.

Nowadays, when I tell others that there is a Star Wars Christmas album, it always plays out the same way. Their curiosity is piqued at first. Then, once I share some clips, their face turns pale in horror. Yes, this album is truly awful without your nostalgia goggles (or earplugs, as it were). It is the guiltiest of guilty pleasures. Say, how about a track-by-track look at the entire album?

1. Christmas in the Stars
"Oh my stars!" The title track quickly establishes the musical style of the album—C-3PO awkwardly talk-singing the lyrics over a backing choir while R2-D2 beeps randomly. A storyline about a group of droids that make toys for "S. Claus" is also introduced. One of these droids mistakenly lingers under the mistletoe and gets kissed by Chewbacca. Hilarity ensues.
Lyrical Highlight: Everyone will have a cookie, I bought extra for the wookiee

2. Bells, Bells, Bells
C-3PO is shocked when R2-D2 innocently inquires, "What are bells?" He likens this simple question to being asked, "What is indigestion?" (something a droid could never experience), and, "What is Einsten's theory?" (someone who wasn't around a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away). Thus, C-3PO takes it upon himself to teach R2 about the "thunderous, wondrous sound of bells." H.G. Wells, Japanese, and cows also come up along the way.
Lyrical Highlight: Bells of every kind and sort, bells that play and bells for sport, chiming what the hour is now, or they'll lead you to a cow

3. The Odds Against Christmas
Inspired by the running gag in The Empire Strikes Back where C-3PO announces the odds of every dire situation, ol' Goldenrod muses about "the odds against Christmas being Christmas." What does he determine? 365 to 1.
Lyrical Highlight: You have to remember, when you're in December, that you're at the close of a year, what would you have done if time had run out before Christmas was here?

4. What Can You Get a Wookiee For Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)
In their next appearance, the toy-making droids review their Christmas list. Scarf for Skywalker? Check. Perfume for the Princess? Check. Ear muffs for Han Solo? Um, okay. But what to get the wookiee? Uh oh, they got him a comb last year! A tie clip, galoshes, and shaving foam are all ruled out. Eventually they settle on "love and understanding, and good will to men." I'd like to see how quickly their arms get pulled out of their sockets when Chewie opens up that load of crap on Christmas morning.
Lyrical Highlight: What can you get in a hurry for a furry kind of friend like that to take home?

5. R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas
C-3PO gives R2-D2 his Christmas present—a children's choir singing this sappy song. One can't blame R2 for feeling slightly uncomfortable by his friend's awkward gesture, that is until Jon Bon Jovi makes his promised appearance to sing lead vocals! Now C-3PO's shot through the heart, and Jon Bon Jovi's to blame.
Lyrical Highlight: And if the snow becomes to deep, just give a little beep

6. Sleigh Ride
Not only does R2-D2 not know what bells (or Japanese) are, he doesn't know how to sing, the silly bucket! Luckily, C-3PO, who has been talk-singing for half an album now, is more than happy to teach him the basics. Borrowing the melody of "Sleigh Ride" he explains, "Add a note to one you sounded just before, and another one after that, and then another three or more, and suddenly you are singing notes galore." As Han Solo would say, I'm glad the professor's here to tell us these things.
Lyrical Highlight: Just get your circuits buzzing, a near half dozen will do, if you can get them ringin' then we all will be singin' with you

7. Merry, Merry Christmas
The droid choir finally thinks up a better gift for Chewbacca—a brush. Bet you didn't see that coming! They go on to sing about all the cool toys they have been building, such as a baseball that throws itself, a toy robot that puts itself to sleep by counting sheep, and a costume that makes you disappear. Would you believe that Chewie steals said costume intent on some droid tickling mischief?
Lyrical Highlight: Here is a hammer without a head, so when you miss the nail you'll never hurt your thumb instead

8. A Christmas Sighting ('Twas the Night Before Christmas)
When some of the droids speculate that "S. Claus" doesn't really exist, C-3PO interjects with an "S. Claus" sighting from his memory bank. In other words, it's a recitation of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas with a few bits changed to be more Star Wars-y. Hey, at least we get a break from his singing.
Lyrical Highlight: Needing a wrench that I couldn't find, I went back to the shop leaving R2 behind

9. The Meaning of Christmas
"S. Claus" finally shows up at the toy factory, but the droids are confused when he isn't quite the bowl full of jelly that C-3PO described. The man reveals that he is actually Santa's son. Apparently there are too many children in the galaxy for the real Santa Claus to handle, so he outsources some of them to his kids. Then, with a warbly singing voice worse than even C-3PO's (Jon Bon Jovi totally should have been "S. Claus"), he wraps things up by explaining that the true meaning of Christmas is peace and love, or something generic like that.
Lyrical Highlight: Not only this year, but every year, as far back as anyone can remember, and way into the future

Admit it, you want to hear this train wreck for yourself. So go ahead, indulge your curiosity. As my Christmas gift to you, I have made the complete mp3 album available for download below. And just ignore that uneasy feeling in your stomach. It's not indigestion.

Click here to download Christmas in the Stars (32 MB).


Ben said...

Boy who gave Threepio the idea that peace,love, and singing were good Christmas present ideas? Surely not George Lucas!

I'm downloading this thing right now!

Christie said...

Ah, the childhood memories.. laying under the tree, singing along to "what do you get a wookie for Christmas.." (and possibly hiding the cassette for extended periods of time)

I had no idea that Jon Bon Jovi was involved..

Krissy said...

Too bad Dave now has a digital copy of this... I can't hide it for extended periods of time. I can handle listening to parts of it once a year... and Eddie seemed to enjoy R2's contribution to the album.