My Attempt at Journalism and/or Activism

For those of you who are not avid Deseret News readers, this post might not make too much sense to you without some introduction. Dave and I (being the harsh critics we are of everything), have discovered our two least favorite newspaper columnists: Jeff Vice and Ann Cannon. Generally, they have become a joke at our house. However, after reading several terrible columns yesterday, I could stand it no longer and felt compelled to take action. I wrote this lovely satirical newspaper column and actually sent it in to the editor of the Deseret News. I doubt they'll publish it since it is a little mean, but I felt like my voice needed to be heard on the matter. And besides, I was feeling sassy yesterday. To prepare yourselves to fully understand and enjoy this column, feel free to check out the latest columns by Jeff Vice and Ann Cannon (the very columns that prompted this rant). By the way, Dave and I also take issue with the bombardment of articles written about Mitt Romney that appear in the Deseret News (at least one per day). So I allude to that as well. Here are the links:

Jeff Vice's article about the new movie "The Golden Compass"
..and classic Ann Cannon "writing," to use the term liberally.

The Top 10 Reasons Why Jeff Vice & Ann Cannon Should be Unemployed

Ah… it is that time of the week again when the Deseret News lands in my driveway and I can once again peruse the idiotic ramblings of incompetent writers (and get the latest update on Mitt Romney’s campaign, upbringing, family, success at the 2002 Olympics, gardeners’ legal status, nose hair grooming techniques, etc). Suddenly, I find myself trapped in the midst of an inane film review or random column of the week written by none other than Jeff Vice and/or Ann Cannon. I am utterly appalled by the lack of writing skills (and the lack of Mitt) in these columns. Since, as Jeff Vice so astutely pointed out, there is a writer’s strike preventing us from having actual humorous top 10 lists from the David Letterman show, I felt compelled to compile my own top 10 list to compensate (and make readers wish there was a newspaper columnist strike going on instead). So here it is, today’s Top 10 Reasons Why Jeff Vice and Ann Cannon should be Unemployed (or at least employed in a position where they cannot kill others’ brain cells with their absurd columns):

1. No mentions of Mitt Romney anywhere in their columns. Who are we kidding, folks? These writers are employed by the Deseret News. There must be some way they can work at least one Mitt reference into each and every one of their columns. The other writers for the paper don’t seem to have any trouble doing it.
2. Making lists of items that really aren’t list material (and are generally irrelevant in every way and have too many tangents).
3. Besides, it seems like making a logical list is something they teach in elementary school – even in Utah’s terribly underfunded public schools.
4. I’m sure Mitt Romney knows how to make a good list, but if not, when he’s elected President, he’ll make sure more money goes to education to make up for it.
5. Listing items and then, in parenthesis, saying you’re kidding. (I’m not kidding… it’s really not funny.)
6. Instead of using each number in the list to mention a different point, simply using the numbers where there really ought to be a sentence break in an otherwise mediocre paragraph. Apparently complete sentences are not necessary in this situation.
7. Just like this.
8. Using “hip” language to appeal to your “hip” audience. Dude! These columns make me a little “loco.” (see Ann Cannon’s recent column Hosting a Yule Party is Scary – Not Merry to see what I mean.)
9. Placing exclamation points where commas (or other, less obnoxious! punctuation) would be more appropriate. (Just kidding… NOT!)
10. Publishing said columns where unsuspecting people attempting to be informed might stumble upon them and suffer brain damage after attempting to read them. After all, the least a professional writer can do is write a complete sentence.

But what do I know? I’m just a simple reader. Why would a professional journalist need to think of my intelligence level before writing and publishing their drivel? After all, I won’t notice any of those little grammatical or thematic errors that they miss when proofreading their column – if proofreading is standard practice anymore. All I can do is hope that the blunders published in the Deseret News will not pollute the minds of otherwise intelligent people, turning everyone in the state into mindless zombies who actually enjoy reading Jeff Vice and Ann Cannon. Dude! That would really suck.