It Doesn't Get Any Better Than THIS

A few months ago Kristen and I took notice of an unfamiliar channel in our modest cable package—This TV Network—thanks to the strange and obscure movie titles featured on its program schedule (i.e. What's the Matter With Helen?). Soon we started reading the program summaries too, and that turned out to be just as entertaining as watching the actual movies, if not moreso. Since we are always on the look out for new blog content, we have been compiling the best summaries ever since. Let me stress that we have not modified these in any way.

Android
Klaus Kinski, Don Opper (1982) Escaped convicts break into the space station of hip android Max 404 and his creator.

What's the Matter With Helen?
Debbie Reynolds, Shelley Winters (1971) The weird mothers of two thrill-killers move to 1930s Hollywood and open a talent school for children.

K-9000
Chris Mulkey, Catherine Oxenberg (1991) A reckless police detective teams up with a computer scientist and her high-tech dog, Niner.

C.H.O.M.P.S.
Wesley Eure, Valerie Bertinelli (1979) A teenage genius invents a robot watchdog to bail out his girlfriend's father's home-security business.

Kid Colter
Jim Stafford, Jeremy Shamos (1985) A Boston boy escapes from spies and survives in the wild with tricks from his mountain man father.

California Casanova
Jerry Orbach, Audrey Landers (1991) A clumsy stagehand tries to woo a nightclub singer on his own and with lessons from a gigolo.

Tentacles
John Huston, Shelley Winters (1977) A marine biologist's trained killer whales rid the California coast of a giant octopus.

Puss In Boots
Christopher Walken, Jason Connery (1988) A miller's son leaves home with a cat who can change into a man of the world.

The Coca-Cola Kid
Eric Roberts, Greta Scacchi (1985) A corporate soft drink sales ace finds an Australian valley where everyone buys a local eccentric's brand.

Spellbinder
Timothy Daly, Kelly Preston (1988) Two lawyers rescue a young woman from a supposed satanist with otherworldly powers.

Return of the Rebels
Barbara Eden, Don Murray (1981) A widow and a mechanic regroup their motorcycle gang 25 years later to teach an upstart gang a lesson.

The Three Wishes of Billy Grier
Ralph Macchio, Betty Buckley (1984) A rapidly aging teenager wants to find his father, play in a jazz band, and love a woman before he dies.