Five Things...

... A Hugely Pregnant Person Should Never Have To Do

5. Teach nursery
Eddie's nursery teacher has my pity because she is pregnant, too. When she was sick the other week, she called and asked Dave and I to substitute. I don't mind helping out and actually enjoy seeing the way Eddie acts in nursery... because it's hilarious. However, after Eddie's class was combined with another nursery (for a total of 13 children), I concluded that once you reach the third trimester, you should be exempt from helping in nursery. Not only did the constant bending over make me have contractions, but the tiny, stuffy classroom made me swell up and turn bright red. By the time church was over, Dave and I were both overstimulated.

4. Sleep on the floor
Apparently Eddie has reached the age where we need to more closely monitor what he watches on TV. We recently found ourselves watching the end of Home Alone (featuring the tarantula), shortly followed by the part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade that includes the rats. That night, just as Dave and I settled into bed, Eddie woke up screaming. He woke up five times in the next hour, eventually convincing me that he would do better if I just laid down next to him on the floor for a while so he'd stop getting scared. I tried to get him thinking about something more pleasant, so we talked about Curious George and various other things before attempting to go back to sleep. The next couple of hours were reminiscent of our stay at the Price Super 8, except Eddie talked constantly about Curious George. Eventually, I gave up and told him I was going to bed. As soon as I moved, I realized why I never should lay on the floor in the first place. Pain... that's why.

3. Run
I don't run, as a general rule. The exceptions to this rule always involve Eddie doing something he should not. Unfortunately, Eddie is now faster than me, so if he runs away, I really cannot effectively chase him. During a recent trip to the library, while Dave was checking things out and Eddie was playing with the toys in the library entrance, I went out to the car to get the diaper bag. As I started coming back from the car, I see Eddie charging across the sidewalk toward the parking lot into the path of an oncoming car. As any mother would do, I yelled at him to stop and started running toward him. Luckily the driver of the car noticed the ruckus (who wouldn't notice a giant whale of a woman running across the parking lot yelling frantically?) and stopped before running Eddie over. Once we got back inside, I determined that running is not a good idea at this stage of pregnancy because it causes a lot of pain in virtually every part of my body. Of course, I would do it again if the situation repeated itself. But I don't think I will be going to the library without Ed's leash any time soon.

2. Sit on a metal folding chair
Thanks to Eddie's Sunday morning tantrum over changing his clothes a couple of weeks ago, we were only 5 minutes early to church instead of the usual 15. This meant we could not find a soft seat and ended up on the metal chairs in the overflow. We try to avoid this situation anyway because metal chairs are noisy and it is more complicated to contain a kid there than it is in a pew. But this week, I realized another good reason to never sit on a metal folding chair while pregnant. Even after Dave removed his sweater and folded it up for me to use as a cushion, I still could not stay in the chair for more than 15 minutes at a time because of the immense pain it caused my pelvis. This led me to the conclusion that the church should have reserved pregnant lady seating just like Babies R Us has pregnant lady parking. This isn't to encourage preggos to be late to church... merely to encourage preggos to come to church and stay longer than 10 minutes.

1. Wear clothes that cover the belly
I imagine that the majority of you non-pregnant people will disagree with this one. But frankly, it is so much more comfortable to just let the ever-expanding belly fly free. In a perfect world, it would be socially acceptable for pregnant ladies to wear belly shirts. Or maybe the better solution would be for someone to invent maternity clothes that feel like you're wearing nothing at all.

And, without further ado, please enjoy the video Dave has put together to show you exactly how hugely pregnant I am. It starts at 13 weeks and the last photo is from 37 weeks (which was last Saturday).